As my friends walked out of my house to transform, I grabbed the last map that we would need. I started walking, but something fell out of the map. I picked it up swiftly. It was a letter.
Dear Pixies,
This is your mother. I hoped that it would never have to come to this, but I sense that my end is near. The Brownie army is rising, and I have no fight left in me. When they come to invade our home, I will send you girls to your Aunt's…
I stopped reading to catch my breath. We did go to my Aunt's, but the Brownies got her too when we arrived. We were just kids! We had no idea that we held magical pixie powers! The letter was an emotional discovery that I didn’t need right now! That didn’t stop me from reading, of course. I continued the disturbing letter.
When you get older, hopefully you will learn to use your powers for good, to stop the Brownies from discovering Castra, our ancient civilization. I’m directing this to you, Alexis, for you have an evil in you that cannot be drove out. You HAVE to harness this power for good, for the sake of humanity. The Brownies, well, we would have left them alone, but that was before Celestria mind washed the once helpful little things. She will stop for nothing to destroy our pixie world, and you are the weakest link for possessing the evil. Overcome it, and you will be the most powerful of all.
Love,
Mom
I didn’t realize I was crying until I heard Amanda come through the door.
“Oh my gosh! What’s wrong?” She asked with concern.
I weakly lifted the letter for her hand to grab. She took it with force, and I broke down into sobs. She read the letter quickly, but with a striking determination that I have never seen in her before. She looked up gravely, as if she had just read a suicide letter.
“This is horrible! How could Mom do this to us? What was she thinking?” She nearly yelled.
That caused the rest of the group to come in. Everyone was prepared for battle, except for Carly, who was standing in the back, a worried expression on her face.
The rest of the girls started reading the letter. I kept my eyes on Carly. Something was up.
Rachel broke down and cried too. Emily and Amanda were the only strong ones. Carly just has no emotion.
“Carly, is something wrong?” I asked with one eyebrow raised.
“Yes, there is, actually. I HATE pixies. They are insufferable gods that live amongst mortals, but they SAVE them, not DESTROY them!” She shrieked.
Everyone’s eyes watched her with a stressed, wary expression.
She turned into the most hideous creature imaginable. Her transparent red wing switched with brown leathery wings, and her eyes turned a mud brown. She was a Brownie Pixie! EWWW!
That means her dad was a…a…Brownie! I feel bad for whoever her mom was…
We were all adopted by one mother, so we all have no records of biological parents, and we don’t want to.
Carly leapt at the nearest pixie, me, and tried to tear my throat out. I had the element of surprise. I transformed my magic into the black sword, and I slashed at her with a quick swipe. I had never dealt with a pixie brownie before, but I had a feeling she was stronger than expected.
I was so right.
She grabbed my sword and easily broke it with one quick clench of her fist.
I jumped backwards, then flipped off the wall. Everyone followed my lead.
We would confuse her to kill her.
That didn’t work either.
Her magic was strange. It strangled and burned us at the same time.
My eyes were watering from lack of oxygen, and the strange scent of burnt pixie flesh. It stank, but smelled sweet at the same time. Gross!
As if she didn’t have enough power, we heard millions of quacks in the distance. My super hearing told me they were ducks. Ducks? Strange.
They got closer as we all but suffocated to death. Too bad she couldn’t kill us like this. There are only two ways to kill a pixie. Break their heart, or drown her. We hate water, unless we are water pixies, but they still have to be careful not to drown. They can only slightly stay under water for a while longer than regular garden and night pixies.
The ducks bombarded the once beautiful house. I was tired of not breathing!
My anger had surpassed the anger that I have always felt. This time, it was mixed in with betrayal, a searing pain of loss, and the stench of brownie pixie. There is one thing that should never happen in the supernatural world, and that’s combining one species with another! I feel bad for the result-the kids.
My fingertips sparkled with millions upon billions of energy balls, waiting to be released onto this newfound enemy. I looked at Rachel-she was the closest pixie to me- and we both nodded.
I released the power in a fluid movement, as did everyone else on a surprise breach onto Carly. She let go of her hold on us, but the strong attack only stunned her. She pointed to us, and the ducks attacked! Their eyes turned red, and I screamed with laughter. I merely flicked my finger, and an explosion tore up my house. I still laughed like a hyena.
The ducks didn’t die.
That sobered me up quick. I think that I might of gasped, or cried out in rage, I don’t know.
I thundered my powers out with such violence that it turned even the sky black. It shot Carly all the way to the trees-well, what was left of them- and she screeched. She fled, and the ducks followed her.
I turned to my friends, who were alright, and declared on simple fact.
“Ducks are now evil.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I have to say, I'm liking the story, but the pace is just too jumbled for me. The other reviewers already got everything else down, so I'm here for moral support. ^^
-Poppy
Overall zankoku_na_tenshi nailed almost everything I was going to say. One thing I'm wondering about, is what it it that the mom has done to them that has shaken them so bad? From what I can see in that letter there is nothing, yet they all have such violent reactions. It just doesn't make sense.
Also t one point you said this:
That means her dad was a…a…Brownie! I feel bad for whoever her mom was…
We were all adopted by one mother, so we all have no records of biological parents, and we don’t want to.
Carly leapt at the nearest pixie, me, and tried to tear my throat out. I had the element of surprise. I transformed my magic into the black sword, and I slashed at her with a quick swipe. I had never dealt with a pixie brownie before, but I had a feeling she was stronger than expected.
The middle lie there really breeaks the mood. You just gave us a startling revelation and then interupted the plot to tell us they didn't know their parents. That's good to know, but there is not the place or time.
Anyways, hope that helped.
Yay, chapter four! ^_^
Oooh, complications! Very nice plot twist—I wasn’t expecting it at all. Carly, at least, has officially become a member of the secondary cast I’m not going to forget anytime soon. Also, the evil ducks are awesome. XDD
I also think you’re doing a much better job of developing your other secondary characters: little things like their different reactions to the letter help them stand out much more individually in my mind.
I’m also interested in the development you’re giving your antagonists… this bit about them being controlled makes me curious. I want to learn more about what’s going on. ^_^
Still, as much as I liked it, I noticed a couple problems with the plot twist:
One thing I don’t really get is all the hate Carly gets directed at her for being a brownie pixie. I mean, I suppose by the rules of your world, she’s not normal, but it’s not like she can help who her parents are… Alexis tells us that she feels bad for her, but I don’t see a lot of that shown. Perhaps this was intentional—that prejudice being a part of her character, one of her flaws. If not, though, you might want to double check on how she’s portrayed. I ended up, frankly, feeling more sympathetic towards her than towards the other members of the group, which probably isn’t what you wanted.
I’m also not quite sure how Carly is supposed to have deceived them all this time. They’ve been a group for years, right? It can’t have been easy for her to go along with the killing of her people, and not take all the opportunities she doubtless had to strike at them before. Besides, Alexis doesn’t seem very emotional over this, really. This person has been a close friend, almost a sister, to her for years now. Alexis would probably be more devastated at the betrayal than this.
A couple of little grammar errors/typos:
Since it looks like you’re only talking about one Aunt here, it should be “Aunt’s”
“Driven” is more correct than “drove.”
Oops, typo. “worried,” not “worries.”
Another typo, I think you mean “wings.”
“They” or “she.” Pick a pronoun.
Overall, I like what you’re doing with this plotline, and I’m intrigued. ^_^ Nice job, I look forward to chapter five.